Album Release: ‘Mozart For Your Ovaries’

The Mozart Effect: Music for Ovaries, the first-ever classical album geared towards a woman’s reproductive organs, will be available for purchase on iTunes starting this Tuesday. Its predecessor, The Mozart Effect: Music for Babies, was designed to stimulate babies’ brains and help them fall asleep. The concept for the new album was inspired by recent studies demonstrating that classical music, Mozart in particular, not only enhances the cognitive development of infants and fetuses, but also boosts the developmental potential of human reproductive cells before the moment of conception. In a world where children can start school at just three months of age, parents need to start nurturing the cognitive capacities of their future offspring as early as possible. Tailored to the unfertilized egg, Music for Ovaries offers parents the earliest start in brain development yet.

While many future parents are thrilled by the upcoming release, some have expressed criticism that a similar album geared towards sperm is not also available, arguing that the chore of stuffing a speaker between one’s legs while it blasts ‘Eine Kleine Nachtmusik’ should not solely be a woman’s responsibility. Whether or not this represents an unfair double standard, it is undeniably the responsibility of new parents to play Music for Ovaries for their baby girls as soon as they are born, as this would entail the earliest possible intervention on a girl’s ovarian development.

UPDATE: Upon further investigation, the album Music for Sperm was in fact released in 2013, but was marketed as boosting male fertility. Zero copies were sold.