Pianist Solves Global Poverty With Impassioned Liszt Sonata Climax

Photo credits: http://helenlinpiano.weebly.com/; http://www.ltaaa.com/wtfy/7044.html.
Photo credits: http://helenlinpiano.weebly.com/; http://www.ltaaa.com/wtfy/7044.html.

Harlem, NY—Countless millions have gathered in city centers and village squares around the world in an outpouring of collective jubilation after global poverty was eradicated last night by a rousing performance of Liszt’s B Minor Sonata.

Sarah Li, a piano student at the Manhattan School of Music, delivered a stirring rendition of Liszt’s magnum opus yesterday afternoon during an outreach event at P.S. 219 in Harlem, sending shockwaves across the world that would spark the wholesale transformation of global economic relations and alter the course of human history within a matter of hours.

Witnesses say that it was clear from the first note that Ms. Li was about to give a performance of epoch-making proportions. The slow, descending scale that opens the piece was executed with such gravitas it instantly sent ripples to financial and production centers worldwide heralding an imminent redistribution of wealth and resources downward to the indigent masses.

Li’s interpretation of the Grandioso D major theme, played with a sense of triumphant heroism and resilience in the face of adversity, signaled the World Bank to seize assets from several top multinational corporations and divert the trillions of dollars in liquid capital to high-poverty regions in over 100 countries.

The fugue at the heart of the work was rendered with such profundity and clarity of voicing that, by the time Li reached the third entrance of the subject, UN troops had established a comprehensive military occupation of the entire world with a mandate to ensure the peaceful transfer of wealth from the small, property-owning elite to the dispossessed multitudes. Li’s tender, affectionate treatment of the reprised opening themes in the recapitulation moved peacekeeping forces, governments, and business leaders to overcome their differences and form a coalition to eliminate class divides and tackle systemic inequality at its roots.

As Li approached the climactic Prestissimo towards the end of the work, global poverty had been all but abolished. Her ecstatic octave passagework authorized the immediate mobilization and deployment of thousands of humanitarian missions committed to the monumental task of overhauling the infrastructure in urban slums and rural wastelands across the world.

The bravura and aplomb of Ms. Li’s performance inspired a tireless benevolence among international aid workers, who labored overnight to construct from scratch a network of institutions for providing poor communities with functioning public utilities, sanitary living quarters, universal healthcare, a quality education system, and a renewable food supply.

“Thanks to Ms. Li’s astonishing pianism, we have made good on our vow to eradicate poverty and hunger far in advanced of our goal date,” said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. “This shows once again the power of the arts to affect change and transform our lives for the better.”

In remarks made at a Vatican press conference this morning, Pope Francis congratulated Ms. Li on her “benchmark” performance of the B Minor Sonata, attributing her achievement to the religious conversion Liszt underwent in the last decades of his life.

“There is no question in my mind that the miracle Ms. Li has performed in saving the world’s poor from misery and strife is due in part to Franz Liszt’s ardent devotion to the teachings of the Catholic Church and his unwavering faith in Jesus Christ our Lord,” said the Pope.

While most of the world was euphoric upon hearing that human destitution as we know it had ended forever, some had less to celebrate. Many arts institutions in America sustained a huge financial blow this morning as the crucial stream of patronage from rich donors and philanthropic organizations had all but dried up after the unprecedented downward transfer of wealth.

“I’m happy that people have more money now,” said Li in an interview. “But it kind of sucks that I lost my scholarship at MSM.”