Metro Gnome, Submediant correspondent
Metro Gnome,
Submediant correspondent

 

OK we get it—the Big Apple’s got a great music scene and it’s a Mecca for high culture. But with a dozen concerts happening around the city every night, how the hell do you know which to attend and which to avoid like Syphilis? Check out my recommendations below for your classical fix.

 

 

Maurizio Pollini and the New York Philharmonic

Photo credit: New York Philharmonic (https://nyphil.org/concerts-tickets/1516/maurizio-pollini)

In his return to the Phil after two long decades, a confused-looking Maurizio Pollini will perform Chopin’s E Minor Concerto under the baton of future ex-music director Alan Gilbert. Also on the program: the usual. Attendance is mandatory for anyone who claims to support symphony orchestras in the 21st century.
October 16, 8:00 p.m. | David Geffen Hall.

 

‘Roomful of Teeth’ at 2015 SONiC Festival

Photo credit: National Sawdust (http://nationalsawdust.org/event/sonic-festival-roomful-of-teeth/)
Photo credit: National Sawdust (http://nationalsawdust.org/event/sonic-festival-roomful-of-teeth/)

The name of this ensemble alone attracts me, given my tooth fetish. Also: they won a grammy.
October 17, 7:30 p.m. | National Sawdust, Brooklyn

 

‘Libido Quartet’ Performs Late Beethoven

Photo credit: Douglas Cox (http://www.coxviolins.com/html/instruments/quartet/lawrence_quartet.html)
Photo credit: Douglas Cox (http://www.coxviolins.com/html/instruments/quartet/lawrence_quartet.html)

Known for their sensual interpretations and penetrative sound, the Libido Quartet—first-prize winners of the 2015 Fistoff Chamber Music Competition—will give their Carnegie Hall debut this fall in a program featuring Beethoven’s arousing C-sharp minor quartet, Op. 131. In addition, they will perform works by Haydn and Schnittke and also fuck onstage.
 November 14, 7:30 p.m. | Carnegie Hall, Zankel Hall

 

Evgeny Kissin: Jewish Music and Poetry

Photo credit: Sheila Rock (http://imgartists.com/artist/evgeny_kissin)
Photo credit: Sheila Rock (http://imgartists.com/artist/evgeny_kissin)

Celebrating 25 years since his legendary Carnegie Hall debut, 44-year-old virgin and piano virtuoso Evgeny Kissin will give an unprecedented six concerts at Carnegie Hall’s Stern Auditorium this 2015-16 season. In the most special of these, Kissin will play an all-Jewish program and eject saliva all over the front row while attempting to recite Yiddish poetry. At the end of the concert, Kissin will perform a non-stop series of encores featuring the complete works of the solo piano repertoire that lasts until Hannukah is over.
December 3, 8:00 p.m. | Carnegie Hall, Stern Auditorium

 

Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Center Presents the Brandenburg Concertos

Photo credit: Amitava Sarkar (http://allworlddance.com/2011/11/29/houston-ballet-nutcracker/)
Photo credit: Amitava Sarkar (http://allworlddance.com/2011/11/29/houston-ballet-nutcracker/)

This holiday season, you have the opportunity to hear all six of J.S. Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos played by the best chamber musicians in the world. Or you can go see the Nutcracker like a tool. You disgust me.
December 11, 13, and 14 | Alice Tully Hall, Lincoln Center

 

The Met Performs Turandot

Photo credit: The Metropolitan Opera (https://www.metopera.org/Season/2015-16-Season/turandot-puccini-tickets/)
Photo credit: The Metropolitan Opera (https://www.metopera.org/Season/2015-16-Season/turandot-puccini-tickets/)

You can hear Nessun Dorma on these days FYI.
January 11, 15, 18, 22, 26, 30 | Metropolitan Opera House, Lincoln Center

 

Genre-Bending Pianist’s Recital at (le) Poisson Rouge

Photo credit: Meyer Sound (http://meyersound.com/news/2008/le_poisson_rouge/?type=25)
Photo credit: Meyer Sound (http://meyersound.com/news/2008/le_poisson_rouge/?type=25)

A concert pianist will bend genres, collapse hierarchies, dissolve barriers, and defy all possible labels with his gritty, groundbreaking interpretation of some Bach pieces. Hear what he really thinks of this legendary composer. Don’t forget to show up in your work boots and flannel so that everyone knows you think about stuff.
February 7, 8:00 p.m. | (le) Poisson Rouge, Greenwich Village

 

Ensemble ACJW Performs at Juilliard

Photo credit: The Juilliard School (https://events.juilliard.edu/event/864/viola-competition-finals/?date=1113)
Photo credit: The Juilliard School (https://events.juilliard.edu/event/864/viola-competition-finals/?date=1113)

These young-and-therefore-hot performers will wow you and amaze you with some Villa-Lobos, Golijov, and Shostakovich. I don’t know what ACJW stands for, but I was just assuming it’s “American Collective of Juvenile WindsBrassStringsPercussionandPiano.” What a mouthful!
March 8, 7:30 p.m. | Paul Recital Hall, The Juilliard School

 

‘Sounds of Spring’ at Symphony Space

Photo credit: All4Desktop (http://all4desktop.com/4178806-sunny-springtime.html)
Photo credit: All4Desktop (http://all4desktop.com/4178806-sunny-springtime.html)

Hear the sounds of spring as everybody in the audience coughs and sneezes. It’s allergy season, dumbass. Performers TBA.
March 29, 8:00 p.m. | Symphony Space, Upper West Side