OK we get it—the Big Apple’s got a great music scene and it’s a Mecca for high culture. But with a dozen concerts happening around the city every night, how the hell do you know which to attend and which to avoid like Syphilis? Check out my recommendations below for your classical fix.
Maurizio Pollini and the New York Philharmonic
In his return to the Phil after two long decades, a confused-looking Maurizio Pollini will perform Chopin’s E Minor Concerto under the baton of future ex-music director Alan Gilbert. Also on the program: the usual. Attendance is mandatory for anyone who claims to support symphony orchestras in the 21st century.
—October 16, 8:00 p.m. | David Geffen Hall.
‘Roomful of Teeth’ at 2015 SONiC Festival
The name of this ensemble alone attracts me, given my tooth fetish. Also: they won a grammy.
—October 17, 7:30 p.m. | National Sawdust, Brooklyn
‘Libido Quartet’ Performs Late Beethoven
Known for their sensual interpretations and penetrative sound, the Libido Quartet—first-prize winners of the 2015 Fistoff Chamber Music Competition—will give their Carnegie Hall debut this fall in a program featuring Beethoven’s arousing C-sharp minor quartet, Op. 131. In addition, they will perform works by Haydn and Schnittke and also fuck onstage.
— November 14, 7:30 p.m. | Carnegie Hall, Zankel Hall
Evgeny Kissin: Jewish Music and Poetry
Celebrating 25 years since his legendary Carnegie Hall debut, 44-year-old virgin and piano virtuoso Evgeny Kissin will give an unprecedented six concerts at Carnegie Hall’s Stern Auditorium this 2015-16 season. In the most special of these, Kissin will play an all-Jewish program and eject saliva all over the front row while attempting to recite Yiddish poetry. At the end of the concert, Kissin will perform a non-stop series of encores featuring the complete works of the solo piano repertoire that lasts until Hannukah is over.
—December 3, 8:00 p.m. | Carnegie Hall, Stern Auditorium
Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Center Presents the Brandenburg Concertos
This holiday season, you have the opportunity to hear all six of J.S. Bach’s Brandenburg Concertos played by the best chamber musicians in the world. Or you can go see the Nutcracker like a tool. You disgust me.
—December 11, 13, and 14 | Alice Tully Hall, Lincoln Center
The Met Performs Turandot
You can hear Nessun Dorma on these days FYI.
—January 11, 15, 18, 22, 26, 30 | Metropolitan Opera House, Lincoln Center
Genre-Bending Pianist’s Recital at (le) Poisson Rouge
A concert pianist will bend genres, collapse hierarchies, dissolve barriers, and defy all possible labels with his gritty, groundbreaking interpretation of some Bach pieces. Hear what he really thinks of this legendary composer. Don’t forget to show up in your work boots and flannel so that everyone knows you think about stuff.
—February 7, 8:00 p.m. | (le) Poisson Rouge, Greenwich Village
Ensemble ACJW Performs at Juilliard
These young-and-therefore-hot performers will wow you and amaze you with some Villa-Lobos, Golijov, and Shostakovich. I don’t know what ACJW stands for, but I was just assuming it’s “American Collective of Juvenile WindsBrassStringsPercussionandPiano.” What a mouthful!
—March 8, 7:30 p.m. | Paul Recital Hall, The Juilliard School
‘Sounds of Spring’ at Symphony Space
Hear the sounds of spring as everybody in the audience coughs and sneezes. It’s allergy season, dumbass. Performers TBA.
—March 29, 8:00 p.m. | Symphony Space, Upper West Side