Baroque Violinist Gets Off Without Vibrator

Annika Müller, Baroque violinist. (Photo Credit: Denys Kornylov)

BERLIN, Germany—Annika Müller, a noted Baroque violin specialist, told reporters Monday that she has begun pleasuring herself without the use of a vibrator.

The German violinist revealed in a press conference that she decided last year to begin applying historically-informed techniques not only when playing the violin, but also when playing with herself.

“If I’m giving up my chin rest, then I’m giving up my vibrator,” said Müller, who has dedicated her career as a violinist to mastering the art of period performance. The Baroque specialist said she chose to get rid of her vibrator in order to resolve a contradiction she had long felt growing deep inside of her.

“Musicians of the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries did not have electronics to aid in the act of pleasure,” she said. “If such devices had existed, consider the effect it would have had on their performance.”

Müller denied having experienced a decrease in stimulation since discarding her Hitachi Cordless Magic Wand™, likening the change to the routine adjustments modern musicians must make when adopting the methods of period performance practice.

“Pleasuring myself senza vibrator has been a challenge, but no different than when a violinist first handles a snakewood bow on gut strings,” she said.

Ironically, some modern violin techniques have come in handy for Müller during her transition to manual self-pleasure.

“Instead of applying modern vibrato to my instrument, I’ve been using it between my legs,” said Müller, pressing her left index finger into her right palm and wiggling it gently to demonstrate the procedure. “If I just close my eyes and imagine I’m Anne-Sophie Mutter playing the Brahms Violin Concerto, I can achieve climax almost instantly.”

For Müller, the shift is part of a broader mission to transform all facets of her daily life according to seventeenth century European customs. In addition to giving up electricity, she plans to dress herself exclusively in petticoats and bodices, and restrict her diet to simple stews made of organic root vegetables, potatoes, and sauerkraut.

The process will also involve Müller subordinating herself to men, as was the norm for women in Europe during the Baroque Era. “It might sound demeaning, but I will have to get used to feeling like an accessory,” she said. “The more I let men treat me as an object, the more authentically I will play the violin.”

When asked about her romantic life, Müller said she is still awaiting suitors. “If I can find a man whose libido is even half that of Johann Sebastian Bach, I’ll be satisfied,” she said.  

Having recently adopted Baroque hygiene practices, however, Müller may remain unwed for some time. For now, she is not fazed by the single life.

“It’s a long road to living a historically-informed life,” said Müller. “For now, I am focused on performing at my peak and playing in a way that touches audiences, and myself.”