Meet Iris.

Iris is 7 months old, and already extremely cute. Cuter than you, in fact.

She is also lots better than you at piano. Here she is playing “La Campanella” by Liszt without missing a goddamn note:

See? She’s lots better than you. She can even play the piano with her fucking mouth. Amazing.


This is Topher. Notice how much cuter his face is compared to your face.

Topher is only 5 months old, and—like Iris—far better at piano than you. Here he is tearing through “Scarbo” from Ravel’s Gaspard de la nuit, which, by the way, is like the hardest piece ever:


And here’s Natalie, a brooding 8-month-old prodigy.You guessed it, Natalie is both cuter and better at piano than you. She also happens to be much smarter than you, for the record. Oh, and her Schubert B-flat Sonata is a revelation:


Now look at this one. His name is Bryce. He’s only 4 months old, and already a babe magnet.

You, too, could be a babe magnet like Bryce, if you weren’t uglier than he is and could play Chopin’s “Winterwind” Etude with as much fury and abandon as he does. Look at this baby shred:


And then there’s Oscar. This kid is insane. He’s only a couple feet long and weighs about 25 pounds, but he crushes you in every way. He’s just 9 months old and can’t yet reach an octave, but his Rachmaninoff 3rd Concerto is a seismic event. His first movement cadenza alone can be seen from outer space. It’s literally child’s play for him. Meanwhile, his rendition of Schumann’s “Traumerei” from Kinderszenen is so tender and delicate it will make tears run down your sad little face (but not his—this kid has never cried in his whole fucking life and never will). Just watch as Oscar improvises a five-voice fugue while his big blue eyes stare into your soul:


Seriously, you are nothing next to these infants. What’s the point in even trying now that you know about them? You might as well just quit now and stop wasting everyone’s time with your amateur bullshit.