BOSTON, MA—A faculty member in the music division at Boston Conservatory has swallowed a large dose of beta-adrenergic blocking agents, popularly known as “beta blockers”, ahead of a full day of listening to student juries.
Julius Keller, a senior professor of violin, reportedly took the anti-anxiety pills after experiencing fight-or-flight symptoms earlier this morning in anticipation of having to sit for more than nine hours on a jury panel listening to undergraduates nervously hack their ways through the Sibelius concerto.
Sources say Keller was awoken suddenly around 6:45 a.m., his heart pounding at the thought of hearing twenty different versions of the same Paganini Caprice, a dozen flat Mozart G-major concertos, and a slew of uninspired Wieniawski Scherzo-Tarantelles.
Moments later, Keller’s palms grew sweaty when he remembered how his student Naomi Shiu hadn’t come prepared to a lesson all semester and not once had he heard her make it through her Bach from memory, even though she was scheduled to play a jury at one o’clock this afternoon. Trembling and short on breath, Keller poured a handful of beta blockers into his palm and began downing them one-by-one with a glass of water.
By 3:00 p.m. this afternoon, sources report that Keller had calmed down considerably and was already approaching the third episode of the Candy Crush Saga game he had been covertly playing in his lap since lunchtime.